Warning: This post is about my experience & is my opinion. I do not claim to be an expert in relationships...or anything else. Also, it's long. Lol!
Anyway, I wanted to talk today about our long distance situation. In case you don't know, my husband & I have been living 6 hours apart for 9 months now. We are waiting on his job to transfer him closer to home. He works for the TDOT (Tennessee Department of Transportation) regional headquarters in Knoxville. The closest regional headquarters to us now is the Jackson, TN one which is about an hour away. There are also positions in some of the bordering counties which would be closer. When we started this whole moving/tranferring process, we were told it would take about 2 months for Bill's transfer to happen. So, we went ahead and sold the house in Knoxville, moved Henry & I down here, and found & purchased a fixer upper in Corinth. We thought we'd have about a 2 month separation until the transfer was completed. We completely over-estimated the state's efficiency. We knew they were slow, but several of the 'higher-ups' gave Bill the impression that a transfer would be no problem & shouldn't take too long.
Well, here we are 9 months later. It's been hard. In some ways it is exactly as hard as I imagined (like raising a baby basically by myself from day to day) and in other ways it hasn't been as hard as I thought. Today I'm sharing some of the key reasons that we are getting through this long-time, long distance marriage & family life.
- Your spouse: The key ingredient in making a long distance marriage work, whether planned (like a military deployment) or unplanned (like our situation) is to marry the right person in the first place. I'm serious. If you're not with the right person, this will be exponentially harder. I married the right man for me.
- Communication: Obviously, communication is important even if you see each other every day, but it becomes even more important to connect when you're so far apart. Don't leave each other out of the loop. Some days we don't have much to say and other days we have a lot to discuss, but whatever the case make sure you take time to laugh together. On top of being my husband, Bill is my best friend.
- Trust: I could not do this if I didn't trust Bill (& vice versa). He has never given me a reason not to trust him & I believe that he is completely dedicated to our family. There is enough to worry about in everyday life (Did I unplug my hair straightener? Did I put diapers in Henry's bag? Did I feed the dogs?) without wondering if your spouse is running around on you. Can I get an AMEN? I can't imagine trying to function with that kind of burden on me...thankfully, I've never worried about that with Bill. I'm not saying he's perfect, but our communication is a constant reassurance that his heart is with his family. We also have to trust each other's decisions. I have to make decisions every day for our family without calling Bill to discuss them. Knowing that Bill trusts me gives me the confidence to make those decisions. We also trust that the other person will take the time to call & discuss decisions that require more thought.
- Respect: Like communication & trust, respect is important in every relationship, but I've realized how much more you must respect each other when living so far apart. There are many ways that respect needs to be shown in a long distance relationship, but the one that has become so prevalent to us is that you must respect what each person is contributing to the relationship. I know that Bill respects my roles as a working mom, wife, & homemaker. He respects the strength it takes and the decisions I make in my roles...as I do for him. In my situation, I've also had people tell me how great I am to take on raising Henry basically by myself & handling everything for the family. I appreciate the kudos, however, I can't help but think that sometimes they are looking at me like a hero while assuming that my husband is just playing around in the city. Let me be clear...Bill is making a huge sacrifice for our family every day. His role may not be as obvious on the surface, but I think what he does every day is harder than what I do in some ways. He has to live away from his family, in someone else's house, waiting for news about a transfer every day. He would love to just quit his job and come on down, but he stays because we need him to. His job provides our family with insurance, a needed paycheck, and he is almost half-way to retirement with the state. He stays because his family needs him to. Can you imagine only getting to see your child every few weeks, sometimes longer? It's very hard on him. I respect the sacrifice he is making for us & don't take it lightly.
- Faith: While you need faith in your spouse, I'm talking about faith in God here. Since the night Henry was born, God has taught me to fully trust in Him and have faith in His way & His timing. I don't know why we are going through this separation for this long. I don't have to know. I trust that God's plan is better than ours and His timing is perfect. Don't get me wrong...sometimes I get frustrated. But I take a deep breath and have faith that He has a plan. I believe we are going through this for a reason. Maybe He is using this experience to strengthen our marriage by teaching us the lessons I've listed in this post. Maybe our experience will serve to help another couple in the same situation. Maybe we haven't yet learned the purpose. Maybe we won't ever see the purpose. It doesn't matter. I have faith that God will somehow use this experience in our lives or for His glory in some other way. I take a deep breath and thank God for working in our lives and using us. And then I pray that His plan will bring my husband home soon.
- Family: This separation would not be possible without amazing family and friends. For starters, Bill would be completely homeless. He had offers from more than one family member to be able to stay with them during this process. None of us knew it would take this long, and we are EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for their patience and sacrifice for our family. I don't know what we would have done without them. We can't afford rent or a mortgage in both places, so I'm truly not sure where we would be right now without them. I cannot imagine having someone living with us for that long. I don't know that I would have been so graceful in the same situation before this experience. We've both learned humility, patience, and a new level of appreciation from this experience. We're at a complete loss for how to express thanks to our family that's taken him in for the last 9 months. How do you adequately thank someone for housing you/your husband for 9 months (with no idea how much longer this will take)? Seriously...Hallmark doesn't have a card for that. Maybe we will win the lottery, lol. I don't know, but I hope we can find some way to return a portion of their generosity. Also, Henry & I couldn't find anywhere to rent that was clean and affordable when we got to Corinth. We were out of time & had to put most of our stuff in storage and live in a room at my parent's house for a couple of months. Living with a baby is not the easiest task in the world. We had to move and change things in every room of their home to Henry-proof it. Everyone's schedules and routines were effected in some way. Thanks mom & dad! I know you're glad to have your house back!
Note: I've not posted pictures of most of the awesome people who deserve props because I'm not sure they want their picture or names plastered on the internet.
- Friends. Our friends (some of which are also family) have kept us sane through this process. Bill has been able to hang out with his friends here and there and it's been a huge boost in keeping his spirits up while he's away from his family. I got to Corinth just in time for the busy season at work and haven't gotten to connect with my friends nearly enough, but outings every now and then have kept me from feeling like too much of a hermit. Thanks, Mackenzie! I'm fortunate to have a small group of friends from high school that time & distance has not effected. Even though I don't get to see or talk to them as much as I'd like to, we are there for each other always. Conversations with these girls have kept me afloat when I've felt overwhelmed. Thanks, ladies!
There are so many more things that matter and people who deserve standing ovations than I can list here. I just wanted to share a little about our experience and some things I've learned that I hope someone else will find useful or uplifting. Please say a little prayer for us to be reunited soon! Thanks!
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